March 27, 2014

Spoofing History: The CRAZY King

The new King Charles made everyone angry.   Everyone hated him.  

His first mistake was to marry Henrietta Maria.  She was a good wife, but she was painfully catholic, and had promised the pope to try to spread Catholicism into England.  The puritans of England were scared silly, and whacked her with a fly swatter.  Henrietta got so angry she wouldn't attend her and Charles's coronation.  Catholics don't attend Puritan ceremonies! 

When Charles finally decided to leave his screaming wife in peace and attend his coronation, it all went wrong.  He broke the boat he was supposed to sail in.  He dropped the fancy jewel on the fancy ring!  And instead of shouting "God save King Charles!" Everyone was silent.

After the terrible coronation, Charles told everybody that he was divine ruler king, and was oh-so-very special because God placed him on his throne. Parliament spoke a whisper of disagreement, so Charles dismissed them for 11 years!  Charles ruled his own way.  He forced everybody to use English prayer books, even the Scottish.  The Scottish didn't like that. 

But then Charles ran out of money, so he called Parliament back to beg for cash.  Parliament gave him money, but also made laws to limit Charles's power.  The parliament lasted for 8 years, so it became known as Long Parliament.  

Puritan members of Parliament began to bicker with the other members, so Charles raised an army to escort them out.  But when the army arrived, the Puritan parliament members had already left. So Charles just said "false alarm lol" and called the army back.  But now the whole of England knew that Charles was willing to use an army to get rid of puritans.  Civil war broke out in a disco-frenzy!

Charles's supporters were called Cavaliers, and the Puritan supporters called themselves Roundheads because it was the only name that wasn't taken.  They wanted to be called squareheads, but the owner of that domain name was charging too much money.  The Roundheads used new, modern methods of training.  That army was commanded by a man named Oliver Cromwell.

The Scots helped the Roundheads defeats Charles.  Charles was standing in a ditch...when he...fell down...and.....

didn't keel over.  The Roundheads put him in jail.

Cromwell was worried because Charles was conspiring with his supporters by sending letters from jail.  So Cromwell marched into Parliament and drove out any people left supporting Charles.  Since only the butt of Parliament was left, it became known as Rump Parliament. 

Rump Parliament arranged a trial for Charles, and he was charged with-....well, the better way to say this is to ask what he wasn't charged with.  

Then everyone gathered in the town square, and watched Charles's head get cut off.  The executioner lifted up Charles's dead head, and the crowd cheered and weeped.  

After the death ceremony was over, Charles's head was found...
...turned on its side....
...keeled over... a ditch.


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