March 27, 2014

Spoofing History: How Persia Changed Facebook

Persia has been ruled by lots of different people, so it's basically a rainbow (not like a gay rainbow, a manly ruling-the-country rainbow)

Persia was first called Assyria, but then was taken over by the Babylonians, then the Persians came and made a whole bunch of ugly rugs, named the country Persia, but then Alexander The Great SQUASHED THEM LIKE BUGS.

Then Alexander died (guess what, he keeled over in a ditch)
And his empire was split into three pieces and his general Selecus got Persia.  But then Selecus got overthrown and couldn't keep control of Persia.  A small part of Persia called Parthia broke away, grew stronger, and then came back and took Persia.  The Parthians were really strong, they even kept away those pesky Romans.

But then Partia imploded because the noblemen fought over a Barbie doll, and nobody would be the bigger forty-year-old man and give it up (it was a Barbie-the-gladiator-she-has-big-boobs doll).  But eventually one of the noblemen won, and his descendants, the dynasty of Sassanid, ruled for many years.

But then the Sassanid got invaded by MUSLIMS.

A tribe of Turks left behind their beloved Jaydees, and created a tribe called Ghaznavids.  The Ghaznavids took over Persia and then they ruled for a bit, but not for long.

Then Mongols took over Persia.

Then Ismail and his Safavids poked the Mongols on Facebook until they ran away.

Then Ismail and his Safavids took over Persia.

Then Ismail's descendant, Abbas, decided that now he was king, and wanted to make peace with the Turks.  He told the Turks that they could have some of Persia if they would leave them alone with THE STUPID "GIVE US YOUR COUNTRY" REQUESTS ON FACEBOOK.

But now that the Turks were distracted with their free land, Abbas trained his army to go and destroy the Turks AND their Facebooks!

They won the epic battle.

So Abbas was pretty happy that he destroyed the Turks, so he wanted to make Persia a nice trading post.  He named his elegant trading post Bandar Abbas.  Now Persia is called Iran, and Bandar Abbas is still a good trading post.

And the "Give us your country" request feature on Facebook was removed.

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