March 27, 2014

Spoofing History: New (Amsterdam) York! New (Amsterdam) York!

The Dutch were all about business.  They sailed their swift cargo ships.  Rich snooty groups of Dutch people came together to form one big group of snooty rich-ness, called the Dutch East India Company. The Dutch East India Company(TDEIC), traded back and forth with other countries, and they became very rich.  Their trading made other countries very rich as well.  Holland became the busiest port in all of Europe!  

Meanwhile, Crazy Old Henry Hudson was still looking for a Northwest Passage.  He asked he Dutch merchants to fund his next trip but the trip failed.  The Dutch were very mad, until Hudson told them about the Indians.  The Indians had beaver pelts, skins, arrowheads, and lots of useful stuff that TDEIC could make even more money trading.  So TDEIC sailed there, and gathered around the Hudson river. TDEIC was making so much money from trading with the Indians, Holland created a new company, called The Dutch West India Company(TDWIC) and net them to the Hudson River so they could make EVEN MORE MONEY trading with the Indians!  TDWIC came with families, so both TDEIC and TDWIC created a nice little town around the Hudson River.  

TDWIC was making lots and lots of money, but it was hard for the ships to get all the way into the continent and to Hudson River, so they decided they wanted to move their settlement over to a little island right near the shore, called Manhattan.  The only problem was that an Indian colony called the Lenape had already claimed the island for the time being.  So TDWIC came up to Lenape with a very practical business proposal:  "I've got a very practical business proposal, we give you beads and cloth and spoons and stuff, and we get this whole island." TDWIC said.

"Well we don't really even own this island so...sure okay." The Lenape said, and took the stuff.  

When they moved to a new place, they rejoiced because they realized that had gotten a whole $24 worth of stuff.

TDWIC moved onto Manhattan, and began building.  They created a huge town, and anybody who was anybody came to see it and trade there.  Soon, Manhattan was a big booming city, filled with traders, pubs, churches, and houses.  They even created a broad way near the coast to make it easier for ships to come and go.

Since history is history, this much success can't go uncorrected.  Manhattan became dirtier.  Traders became drunk and fell asleep in the middle of the road.  Garbage was tossed wherever it landed.  Pigs and cows roamed free.  It was a mess.  So TDWIC sent in people to try to control the ruffians.  But everybody ran away because they couldn't take how gross everyone was.  So TDWIC sent in one last guy...Peter Stuyvesant.  Stuyvesant had a peg leg, so he was much more intimidating.  

Stuyvesant made new laws to keep everything In order.  He made it so people who wanted to drink had to pay extra money for their alcohol.  Pigs and cows had to be put in fences, or they would be made into pie, and if you complained you had your head cut off and chopped up into teensy little pieces, and then sent to Holland.  

Stuyvesant suspected the English of trying to attack Manhattan.  He sent word back to TDWIC to try to get some battle ships and guns and lots of soldiers and stuff, but TDWIC saw no danger, so no guns came.  So Stuyvesant ordered a huge wall to be built around Manhattan, and he guards stand at the wall everyday.  

Meanwhile, in England--

King Charles decided he was bored, and declared that he now owned Manhattan Island;  and no one was going to argue with him, because he's the friking king of England.  Charles realized he didn't have a birthday gift for his brother, The Duke of York's birthday.  So he payed for the cake, and gave his brother Manhattan island.  The Duke of York squealed with glee over his new island, and immediately sent battleships over to it.

Back in Manhattan--
Stuyvesant was really angry at TDWIC because now Manhattan was being taken over by The Duke of York.  Stuyvesant sent TDWIC many angry letters filled with the words: "I told you so I told you so I told you so I told you so I told you so!!!" 

The Duke Of York completely took over Manhattan, and wanted to name it York.  He was then informed that York already existed, so he named it New York.  He allowed the people there to continue living there if they became registered English Citizens.  He originally wanted to make them into registered wild duck breeders, but his brother convinced him otherwise.

And that's why New York has a surprising lack of duck-breeders.

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